How Having a Baby Changes Your Relationship and How to Keep it Together.

We go through such a massive transition when we become mothers, it’s not surprising our relationships go through a transition too. It can be challenging and frustrating navigating the world of parenthood and the new paradigm of family. Here are five tips for keeping explosions to a minimum and your relationship healthy and strong.  Feel free to add on any that worked for you!

Eye-level view of a serene therapy room with comfortable seating

1. Let's Talk About Sex.

Episiotomy. Breastfeeding. C-Section. Labor. Fatigue. Body changes. Labor trauma. Not exactly a sexy combo. When taking a shower is the highlight of your day, being a sexual being is probably the last thing on your mind. Some men think that the 6 week mark will give the “all clear” for your sexual relationship to return to “normal.” Rarely is that the case. Our relationship with our sexual self may need some renegotiation. Be open and honest with your partner about how your feel physically and emotionally. Let him know it’s not easy to switch from Mom Mode to Sexy Mode without some transition time. He will need to help you with that. Recapturing your sexual currency may take a little time, but you’ll get it back.

2. “The White Board Saved My Marriage.”

Whether your full time at home, full time at work, or somewhere in between, motherhood has changed the way your relationship functions. Even the best husbands and partners will have a hard time honing in on to the sacrifice you’re making to take care of your kid. Your life is forever changed. Drastically. His really hasn’t. He won’t know what you need him to do unless you ask him to do it. If you wait for him to catch on, you’re going to end up irritated and depressed. What will work is a full out division of labor. A white board has saved many new parents from disaster. Divide the chores up with who does what each day. You’ll feel supported, and he’ll feel successful. It’s a game-changer.

3. Everybody Gets Time Off

If you want it, you get it. Pick an evening you want to take a kick boxing class, or a Sunday morning to meet up with friends for brunch. It’s your time, laid out each week for you. Keeping your mojo up and running is critical to feeling strong, healthy, and confident. Your husband gets the same courtesy. One evening or weekend morning to do what he wants. This time goes on the white board each week. Use it any way you like, but always use it. Once you start putting laundry ahead of time for yourself, you’re screwed.

4. Date Night. Date Night. Date Night.

I can’t say this enough. Every two weeks, you both go out together for a meal without the kids. It’s a time to reconnect, laugh, talk, have a drink, and remind yourselves why you liked each other in the first place. Do NOT come home until the kids are in bed asleep. You’ll be able to come home and not have to be on shift. Enjoy it. If you can swing it, every few months, go away for a weekend without the kids. It doesn’t have to be expensive. There’s probably someone in your life that will take your kids for a few days. Just ask them. It’s just for the two of you. Sleep in, binge watch a guilty pleasure, and just relax. You’re off duty.

5. Communication is the Key that Opens all Locked Doors.

For the most part a woman defines her ability to mother by nurturing and caring for her child. Men define themselves as fathers through their ability to provide and earn. (Of course, there are exceptions. I’m being general.) Even if we’re earning as well, this paradigm exists. Dads worry a lot about money. Moms worry about safety. If you both can keep that in mind, communicating becomes easier. Try not to have your default position be defensiveness or needing to prove a point. Try to empathize with your partner. Try to take a breath and listen. Reflect their feelings back to them. Ask your partner to try to do this as well. Underneath all anger is hurt. Chances are if you’re angry, one or both of you is feeling hurt or misunderstood. Talk about it. Little cracks can turn into chasms before you know it.